Wow...I didn't mean to be gone from my blog for this long! I have been reading, but writing has been something that I am not motivated to do. To be honest, I have been a little depressed with the start of this school year. I keep reading about how everyone LOVES their classes and well...I am having a hard time.
This year I have 24 Littles. Well, so far at least I have 24 Littles. My school population has increased over 100 since last year and there are some talks of splits and other classes being considered to help our overload status. I am not in overload at 24. When #25 comes along, then I will be up for some paraeducator support.
One of my Littles has some extreme issues. The kind that require a one on one to help with immediate behavior intervention. I have known that I was that lucky teacher since the end of last year. I thought about switching schools if that lets you know the severity of what was to unfold this year! In the end, I came to a peace that I was supposed to do this. It was a supernatural, Jesus inspired peace because let me tell you, I WOULD NEVER HAVE CHOSEN it.
Loud and aggressive behavior are his norm and it makes the other Littles (and me) nervous. Lots of labels can be suggested for this behavior and believe me, I ache that someone has to live like that!
Last Friday was our second day of school and I left really questioning my career, my influence, my skills....my world. Saturday arrived and I slept almost all day. I have NEVER felt so defeated and unsure of myself. Thankfully, I have an AMAZING husband! He let me shout and vent and be a little ridiculous. Slowly over last weekend, I knew that I was focusing on 1 and neglecting to realize that I have 23 other Littles that need me too! I am not saying that I feel the need to neglect that 1, but I need to have a perspective that includes everyone!
So, by Tuesday, I start feeling like my normal self again and ready to inspire a younger generation. Tuesday was a great day. Wednesday was pretty good too. I even felt like going to community group that night. I am a part of a ladies group and we meet each Wednesday evening to pray, encourage and dig deeper into what our pastor shares each Sunday. I left feeling loved.
Now I don't know about you but I have conversations with myself in the shower. Sometimes I pretend to be bold and tell someone how I am *really* feeling. Sometimes, I hash out past conversations and sometimes I try to pump myself up for the day. I know I am weird :) Well, Thursday morning, I was trying to realistically look at how I handle my classroom and the thought occurred to me: "I am his teacher. I don't have to love him." For the whole morning, I just kept telling myself this and I actually thought I had had a revelation about how my year would be survived.
I got into my car that morning and began my short commute to work. I was feeling so proud of my "revelation" and had a serious case of "pat yourself on the back for being so smart!" Then, I flipped my radio on. In an instant, God reminded me of HIM. HIS MISSION. HIS HEARTBEAT. This song was playing:
I couldn't help but be completely awed by God' timing. He spoke so clearly that morning. I thought I had figured out a plan for survival...for myself. If I removed my vulnerable emotions, I might make it. I had completely forgotten that without LOVE, everything I do is NOTHING! The world is filled with sin and we are called to LOVE and to share His LOVE through it all! That means through. IT. ALL!
I know that my year will be challenging and I will learn a lot about myself. I hope through it all I am a living example of His love.
Have a blessed day,